3
Things I’m Loving, Reading, Watching or Doing
1. Dark Matter, Blake Crouch
Another win for the dad book club. A bit of a thriller novel that explores what it would be like to take alternate paths in your life. Ultimately, it hinges on the question, “Are you happy with your life?” In our book club discussion, we spent less time on the actual book and more time on the questions regarding our own life inflection points. Anytime a book gets you thinking about your own life long after you’ve finished it, it’s a good one.
2. Why Teenagers Reject Parents’ Solutions to Their Problems, Lisa Darmour
This is a great article in the NY Times from bestselling parenting author, Lisa Darmour. She summarizes it really well in her Instagram post here, and in my experience with five teens, I wholeheartedly agree with the main premise: our teenagers often need us to listen, not immediately try to fix.
I’ve certainly jumped into fixer mode too quickly at times with my teens. Also, with my wife. 😉
3. Pull-up progression
A goal for many of our gym members is to get their first pull-up or improve on their current record. Maybe this is helpful for some of you too.
Two of my favorite exercises for building the strength to get there: active hangs and negative pull-ups.
If you want to get more serious about it, shoot me an email and I’ll send you a simple pull-up progression to follow.
2
Quotes Worth Pondering
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
— Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night
“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.”
— Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
1
Big Dad Idea
Health, Parenting, or Personal Growth
Real life should be bigger than their online life.
Jonathan Haidt reposted something last week that stopped me in my tracks. A speaker had told a room of educators that this generation lives physical lives only to feed their online lives with content. The older teachers in the room gasped. They hadn’t realized the kids weren’t just living their lives and occasionally posting about it. The posting had become the point, and the living was just material for it.
Even if that observation is only 10% true, it’s pretty unsettling.
You go on vacation. You take some pictures.
Versus: Where should we go that will look good online?
You hang out with friends. Maybe post something to remember the moment.
Versus: The hangout becomes material for the post.
You accomplish something. You feel proud.
Versus: It doesn’t quite feel like an accomplishment until other people see it.
Of course, hunting for validation and status and belonging isn’t new for teenagers. All these things existed before but never in a way that’s so 24/7. And never in a way where every small mistake, you know – the kind kids are supposed to be free to make while nobody’s watching, might end up permanent and public.
That’s a lot for a developing brain to carry.
In our own home, we monitor phones, have screen-time limits and we talk about this stuff constantly. And still, I worry that I’m not doing enough. While I’m tempted to throw out all the screens, I don’t think the answer is pretending our kids can grow up outside the world they actually live in.
So what’s been helpful to me lately is a slight shift in my focus. Instead of simply asking, “How can I minimize the phone?,” I’m also asking, “What are the signs that mean they’re actually present in their own life?”
For me, these are the big rocks:
- Sleep. Teenagers need substantial sleep, often closer to nine or ten hours than the amount they actually get.
- Movement. Sports, exercise, walks, being outside, using their bodies.
- In-person friendship. Time with friends that is not mainly performed for a camera.
- Reading and creating. Books, art, music, writing, building, making.
- Family time. Shared meals, conversations, chores, car rides. These moments are vital for noticing mood, habits, and the words they are using.
- Responsibility. Work, school effort, household chores, commitments that require them to show up and contribute.
If these rocks can form the foundation that fill up their buckets, then the online/virtual stuff doesn’t have as much room to take hold. And then it’s less likely that the online world starts to feel more important than the real one.
Our goal is not to make our kids afraid of technology. It is to help them build lives so substantial that a phone remains a tool rather than the place where life feels most real. But, as we’re experiencing with five teenagers, this is no easy task. In fact, it’s no easy task for us adults, either.
So when we do see real life getting smaller, when sleep slips, moods change, family participation fades, responsibilities are neglected, or we catch a stray comment that makes us think they’re terrified of what others might think, the phone becomes the first variables worth examining. And I think that should go for us adults, too.
To me, it’s less as a punishment and more of a reset.
Because real life should be bigger than online life.
Thanks for reading, dads.
Let’s make this time count!
