Disagreement Without Contempt

1. NYT’s 102-minute account of 9/11 — On the anniversary, I read this extraordinary piece of reporting from The New York Times that reconstructs the final 102 minutes inside the Twin Towers through phone calls, emails, survivor accounts, 911 records and radio transmissions. Somehow I’d never come across it before. It was originally published just eight months after 9/11. Once you start, it’s hard to stop reading.

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2. Soccer Dad — This hilarious “Soccer Dad” reel literally could not be more accurate to my experience. We have been there, and you only laugh to keep from crying. If you love to hate the state of youth sports, this man is worth a follow.

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3. The Beast in Me — After loving Widow’s Bay, we gave this one a shot with Matthew Rhys and Claire Danes (Rhys just one TWO acting Emmys in one night). Verdict: meh. Danes’ lip quivering comprises roughly 90% of the show, and the dialogue felt oddly lame for a series with two stars this good.

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” — Robert Jones, Jr.

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“I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.” — Thomas Jefferson

Disagreement Without Contempt

Every 9/11, I make myself watch footage from that day. Mostly raw videos or timeline compilations of live news broadcasts and interviews.

Twenty-five years later, it still produces a visceral reaction. Almost instant tears.

I remember exactly where I was: a first-year teacher at Booker T. Washington High School here in Atlanta. There was some buzz about planes crashing, so we wheeled a TV into Mr. Shivers’s classroom. My Civics class joined his Biology class, and we watched Today show coverage as everything unraveled in real time.

I remember not knowing what to do with the kids that day. Or even how to talk about what we were watching. None of us understood yet what was happening.

A few months later, President Bush came to speak at Washington High School. My program, Teach For America, fell under the AmeriCorps umbrella, and before his speech, a small group of us—including TFA founder Wendy Kopp—sat down with President Bush and Secretary of Education Rod Paige to talk about national service.

There were maybe twelve of us around the table, apart from the Secret Service.

I don’t recall saying much beyond introducing myself and shaking the President’s hand. But I remember how disarming he was. Funny, relaxed, almost like a regular guy sitting around talking with friends.

Recently, that meeting made me wonder what Bush actually said in his speech afterward, so I found the transcript. This was part of his opening:

“Oh, I know generally a Democrat is not supposed to show up when a Republican shows up, and a Republican’s not supposed to show up when a Democrat shows up. But there is a new attitude in America today. I’m a proud Republican. Cynthia McKinney and John Lewis and Zell Miller are proud Democrats. Saxby’s a proud Republican. Cleland is a proud Democrat. But, first and foremost, we’re all proud Americans.”

Man, I wish we could find our way back to something closer to that sentiment.

One of my most lasting memories of 9/11 isn’t only the horror of that day. It’s the solidarity that followed. That’s the part I try to impress upon my kids every year. I’ll send them footage, or we’ll talk about what it felt like to live through that day.

Our kids are growing up in a world that makes it incredibly easy to sort people into teams:

Us and them.

Good guys and bad guys.

People like us and people who are wrong.

I want my kids to resist that instinct. I want them to think independently. To seek out viewpoints they disagree with. To try to understand why a reasonable person might see something differently than they do.

And, most importantly, I want them to learn that disagreement does not require contempt.

I say that knowing I have not always modeled it well, especially when my kids overhear my wife and me discussing a family member we love but think has LOST. HER. BLOODY. MIND.

Okay. Deep breaths.

Maybe that’s the lesson for all of us: not to pretend we don’t have strong opinions, but to remember that strong opinions don’t give us permission to treat people with contempt.

And part of the lesson is letting my kids see that I’m still trying to learn the difference.

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Thanks for reading, dads.

Let’s make this time count!